Homilies on Ephesians 20 part 2/2

For she is afraid lest someone has stolen her bed, lest someone has robbed her of the sum of her goods, lest someone has taken away her head, lest someone has undermined her marriage-bed.

There is yet another occasion of pettiness of soul;

let no one lay claim beyond measure to the servants—neither the husband to the maidservant, nor the wife to the manservant;

for these things too are enough to give birth to suspicions.

For consider for me those righteous ones:

Sarah herself bade the patriarch take Hagar;

she herself gave the command, no one compelled it, nor did the husband seek it;

but although he had passed a long time in childlessness, he chose never to become a father rather than to grieve his wife.

Yet nevertheless, after all these things, what does Sarah say? 'May God judge between me and you.'

Now if it had been any other man, would he not have been moved to anger? Would he not have even stretched out his hands, all but saying:

'What are you saying? I did not wish to lie with the woman, the whole thing was of your doing, and again you accuse me?' But he said no such thing;

but what? 'Behold, the handmaid is in your hands;

deal with her as it may be pleasing to you.'

He gave up the partner of his bed, that he might not grieve Sarah.

And yet nothing is greater than this for building goodwill.

For if the mere sharing of a table produces oneness of soul even with robbers, toward those who were once enemies (and the Psalmist too says:

'You who with me together made my food sweet');

then the becoming of one flesh thereafter (for this is what it means to share the marriage bed) is far more able to draw two together.

But none of these things prevailed to overcome the righteous man; rather he gave her over to be the woman's husband, showing that nothing had come about through any fault of his own.

Who would not have pitied a woman carrying a child by him? Yet the righteous man was not bent aside;

for above all things he set the love he owed his wife.

Let us too imitate this man.

Let no one reproach his neighbor with poverty, let no one be in love with money, and everything is set at rest.

Nor let the wife say to her husband:

'You unmanly and cowardly fellow, full of sluggishness and torpor and much sleep! Such-and-such a man, humble and of humble stock, having taken up dangers and set out on journeys abroad, has amassed a great fortune, and his wife wears gold, and goes forth on a pair of white mules, and is carried about everywhere, and has droves of household slaves and a swarm of eunuchs;

but you cower down and live to no purpose.'

Let no wife say these things, or things like them;

for she is a body, not that she should give orders to the head, but that she should obey and submit.

'How then,' someone says, 'will she bear poverty? From where will she find consolation?' Let her choose out for herself the women poorer than herself; let her reckon again how many noble maidens, of noble birth, not only received nothing from their husbands but even gave a dowry and squandered all that was their own;

let her consider the dangers that come from such riches, and she will welcome the untroubled life.

And in general, if she is affectionately disposed toward her husband, she will say nothing of the sort, but will choose rather to have him near her though he provides nothing, than ten thousand talents of gold together with the anxiety and care that always arises for wives from their husbands' journeys abroad.

But neither let the husband, when he hears these things, as though he held authority, turn to insults and blows; rather let him exhort, admonish, and, as one dealing with the less perfect, win her over by reasonings, and never lift his hands;

these things are far from a free soul;

nor insults, nor reproaches, nor revilings;

but let him bring her into order as one who is rather in a foolish state.

And from where will this come about? If she learns the true riches, if she learns the philosophy that is from above, she will bring no such accusations.

Let him teach her that poverty is no evil;

let him teach her, not only by what he says, but also by what he does;

let him teach her to despise worldly glory, and the wife will neither say nor desire any such thing.

As one receiving a statue, so from that very evening on which he receives her into the bridal chamber, let him teach her chastity, gentleness, how she is to live soberly, from the very outset and at the very doorway casting down the love of money;

and let him train her in this philosophy, and exhort her that there should not be gold hung upon her ears and about her cheeks and set about her neck, nor spread about the bridal chamber, nor golden and costly garments laid up;

but let the adornment indeed be bright, only let not the brightness fall away into extravagance;

rather, leaving these things to the players on the stage, let him himself with much decorum adorn the house, so that it breathes chastity rather than any other fragrance.

For from this two good things will result, and even three;

first, the bride will not be grieved when the bridal decorations are taken down, and the garments and the golden ornaments and the silver vessels are sent back each to its owner;

second, the bridegroom will not be anxious over the loss and the safekeeping of the things gathered together.

Third, in addition to these, the chief of all the good things: by these very acts he will display his own mind, that he takes pleasure in none of these things, and that he will also do away with all the rest, and will never allow either dancings or unseemly songs to take place.

And I know indeed that I perhaps seem ridiculous to some, in laying down laws of this kind;

nevertheless, if you will be persuaded by me, as time goes on, and as you enjoy the benefit that comes from the thing itself, then you will know the gain;

and the laughter will pass away, and you will laugh at the present custom, and will see that what is now done truly belongs to senseless children and drunken men;

but the things I urge belong to chastity and to philosophy, and to the highest way of life.

What then do I say must be done? Remove from the wedding all the shameful songs, the satanic ones, the unseemly odes, the throngs of unbridled youths, and by these very things you will be able to bring the bride to sobriety.

For at once she will reason within herself: 'Amazing!

what manner of man is this? He is a lover of wisdom; he counts the present life as nothing; he has brought me into his own house for the bearing of children and

the rearing of children, for the keeping of the household.'

But are these things distasteful to the bride? Only until the first day, and the second;

but thereafter no longer; rather she will reap the very greatest pleasure, freeing herself from all suspicion.

For he who has endured neither flutes nor dancers nor languishing songs, and that at the very time of the wedding, would scarcely ever endure to do or say anything shameful.

And after this, when you have removed all these things from the wedding, take her and mold her well, drawing out her modesty over a long time, and not dissolving it quickly.

For even if the girl be somewhat shameless, she knows how to keep silent for a season, being abashed before her husband and unaccustomed to the situation.

You then, do not dissolve this modesty quickly, as the licentious sort of men do, but draw it out over a long time;

for this will be great gain to you.

She will meanwhile bring no accusation, will not find fault with whatever you shape her to.

Lay down all your laws, then, in that season in which shame, like a bridle set upon the soul, permits her to blame nothing nor to bring any charge against what is done.

For when she gets hold of boldness, with much license she overturns and confounds everything.

When then is there another season so fitting for molding a wife as that in which she reveres her husband, and still fears and stands in awe of him? Then lay down for her all the laws, and she will altogether be persuaded, whether willingly or unwillingly.

But how will you not destroy her modesty? When you yourself appear no less bashful than she, conversing but little, and that with much gravity and reserve;

then set before her the words concerning philosophy;

establish her in the fairest habit, I mean modesty.

And if you wish, I will even for the sake of an example tell what one ought to say to her.

For if Paul did not decline to say, 'Do not deprive one another,' and uttered the words of a bridal instructress—or rather not of a bridal instructress, but of a spiritual soul—

much more shall we not decline to speak.

What then ought one to say to her? One should speak to her with much grace, saying:

'We, my child, have taken you as a partner of our life, and have brought you in to share in the things more honorable and more necessary to us, in the bearing of children and the management of the household.

What then do we entreat of you?' Or rather, before this, speak of the things of love;

for nothing so contributes to persuading the hearer to accept what is said, as to learn that it is spoken with much love.

How then will you show your love? If you say: 'Though it was possible for me to take many, both wealthier and of illustrious family, I did not choose to, but fell in love with you and with your way of life—your decorum, your gentleness, your chastity.'

Then, straightway from these things, prepare a way for the words concerning philosophy, and arraign wealth with a certain circumlocution.

For if you simply strain a discourse against wealth, you will be burdensome;

but if you take hold of an occasion, you will accomplish everything.

For you will seem to be doing the thing in the manner of a defense, not as one austere and graceless and niggardly; but when you take your occasion from her own case, she will even be delighted.

You will say then (for it is necessary to take up the discourse again), that though it was possible to marry a rich and wealthy woman, I could not endure it.

Why so? Not simply, nor at random, but I was well taught that wealth is no possession, but a thing to be despised, belonging also to robbers and harlots and grave-robbers.

Therefore, leaving these things aside, I came to the virtue of your soul, which I prize above all gold.

For a prudent and free-spirited young maiden, one who is careful for reverence and godliness, is worth the whole world.

For these very reasons I have embraced you and love you, and I set you before my own soul.

For the present life is nothing; and I pray and beseech and do all things, that we may be counted worthy so to order this present life, that we may be able there also, in the age to come, to be together with one another in great freedom and confidence.

For this present time is short and perishable;

but if we should be counted worthy, having been well-pleasing to God, so to pass through this life,

we shall be forever with Christ and with one another, in yet greater delight.

I set your love before all things, and nothing is so grievous or burdensome to me as ever to be at variance with you;

even if I must lose all things, even if I must become poorer than Irus, even if I must undergo the utmost dangers, even if I must suffer anything whatsoever, all these are bearable and endurable to me, so long as things stand well between me and you;

and my children too will then be dear to me, so long as you are kindly disposed toward us.

And it will be needful that you too do these same things.

Then mingle in the apostolic words as well, that God wills our mutual affection to be knit together in this way.

For hear the Scripture saying:

'For this cause shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife.'

Let there be with us no pretext for pettiness of soul;

away with money, and the multitude of slaves, and the honors that come from outsiders;

to me this is more precious than all these things.

Of how much gold, of how many treasures will these words not be more longed-for to a wife? Do not fear that she will ever grow presumptuous against you at being loved, but confess that you love her.

For harlots, clinging now to this man, now to that, might with reason be lifted up against their lovers when they hear such words;

but a free woman and a well-born maiden would never be puffed up by these words, but rather is by far the more bowed and humbled.

Show that you set great store by her company, and that you would rather be at home for her sake than in the marketplace;

and prefer her before all your friends, and before the children born of her; and let even these be loved by you for her sake.

If she does anything good, praise and admire her;

if she does anything amiss, such as befalls young women, admonish her and gently remind her.

Condemn riches and extravagance up and down, and point out the adornment that comes from modesty and from dignity, and continually teach what is profitable.

Let your prayers be in common;

let each go forth to the church, and of the things spoken and read there, let the husband require of the wife her portion at home, and she of the husband.

If any poverty presses upon you, bring forward into the midst the holy men, Paul and Peter, who were held in higher esteem than all kings and rich men, and how they passed their life even in hunger and in thirst;

teach her that nothing in this life is to be feared, save only to offend against God.

If one marries thus, if upon these terms, he will be not much inferior to the monks, nor the married man to the unmarried.

If you desire both to give banquets and to hold feasts, let there be none unseemly, none disorderly; but if you find some holy poor man able to bless your house for you, able with the setting of his feet to bring in all the blessing of God, invite this man.

Shall I say yet another thing? Let none of you be eager to marry a wealthier wife, but far rather a poorer one.

For she will not bring in, from her riches, so great an occasion of pleasure as the unpleasantness that comes from her reproaches, from her demanding more than she brought, from her insults, from her extravagance, from her burdensome words.

'I have not yet spent anything of yours; I still wear about me what is mine, wherewith my parents endowed me.'

What do you say, O woman? You still wear about you what is your own? And what could be more wretched than this word? You no longer have a body of your own, and yet you have money of your own? After marriage you are no longer two fleshes, but you have become one;

and are your possessions two, and not one?

Oh, the love of money!

You have both become one man, one living being, and do you still say, 'What is mine'? This accursed and defiled word was brought in from the devil.

God has made all the more necessary things common to us; and are these not common? It is not possible to say, 'my light, my sun, my water';

all the greater things are common to us, and shall money not be common? Let money perish ten thousand times over—or rather, not money, but the dispositions that know not how to use money, but prefer it before all things.

And teach her these things along with the rest;

but with much graciousness.

Exhortation to virtue by itself has much that is austere, especially toward a tender and young maiden; therefore, whenever words concerning the higher wisdom are spoken, devise much graciousness, and banish this above all from that soul—the 'mine' and the 'thine'.

If she says, 'What is mine,' say to her:

'What things do you call yours? I do not even know;

how then do you say, "What is mine," when all things are yours?' Grant her the word.

Do you not see how, in the case of little children, we do this? When, while we are holding something, the child snatches it, and wishes to take yet another thing, we yield and say:

'Yes, this is yours, and that too.'

Let us do this also in the case of the wife;

for her understanding is somewhat more childlike;

'All things are yours, and I too am yours.'

This word is not of flattery, but of much good sense.

Thus you will be able to slacken her anger and to quench her despondency.

For it is flattery when one does something ignoble for an evil purpose;

but this is the greatest wisdom.

This is what Paul counseled me when he said:

'The husband has not authority over his own body, but the wife.'

If I have not authority over my own body, but you have it, much more over money.

By uttering these things you have given her rest, you have quenched the flame, you have shamed the devil, you have made her more a slave than one bought with silver; with these words you have bound her fast to you.

So then, by the things which you yourself utter, teach her never to say, 'Mine' and 'Thine'.

And never call her simply by name, but with endearment, with honor, with much love.

Honor her, and she will not need the honor that comes from others, nor will she need the glory that comes from others, if she enjoys that which comes from you.

Set her before all things, on every account—both for her beauty and for her good sense—and praise her.

Thus you will persuade her to give heed to none of those outside, but to laugh all others to scorn.

Teach her the fear of God, and all things will flow in as from a fountain, and the house will be full of ten thousand good things.

If we seek the incorruptible things, these corruptible things too will follow.

'Seek ye first,' He says, 'the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you.'

What ought we to think the children of such fathers to be? What the servants of such masters? What all the others who draw near to them? Will it not come to pass that they too are full of ten thousand good things? For, for the most part, even the servants order their manners according to those who rule them, and are made like unto their desires, love the same things, are taught the same things they speak, and dwell together in the same pursuits.

If we so order ourselves, and give heed to the Scriptures, we shall for the most part be instructed by them;

and thus shall we be able to please God, and to pass through all this present life with virtue, and to attain the good things promised to those who love Him;

which may it be granted us all to be counted worthy of, by the grace and lovingkindness of our Lord Jesus Christ, with whom to the Father, together with the Holy Spirit, be glory, might, and honor, now and ever, and unto the ages of ages. Amen.